Three’s my kind of company

Some say three’s a crowd, I say triangles are the strongest shapes for a reason. Sharing is caring afterall, right? As something that consistently ranks high on the ol’ sexual bucket list for a significant number of people, there are still reasons why it can also seem incredibly intimidating. Today we’re going to break some of that down and go through the motions together (if you’re into that).

Finding the one

There is a lot of discourse online around the right ways to approach someone about having a threesome. We don’t want to encourage any more unicorn hunters to head into the wild. One way to ensure you’re putting your best foot forward in finding a third is firstly, to ensure you actually want one.

Inviting someone to enter your bedroom, particularly if you’re bringing someone into your committed monogamous relationship, is a delicate task. Before you even entertain the idea of talking to someone, it’s a good time to do some inner-work. It’s important to consider the dynamics of bringing in another person. Not only their feelings, but your own. Do you consider yourself a jealous person? Does the idea of your partner connecting with another human being make you feel worried or uncomfortable? As much as you could get turned on by something in theory, in practice things tend to be a little more complicated. Remember, you are dealing with another person’s real feelings, so if you’re not sure this is going to be a fun activity for ALL of you, then maybe best to take a beat instead.

BUT, if you’ve done the work, you know this is what you want, and you’re confident that this is going to be nothing but an absolute blast, how exactly do you find someone to get involved with? First thing’s first, let’s stay away from being predators to queer women. Lesbians only want to sleep with women (yes there are caveats to that statement, but you get where I’m going with this), so no, they likely don’t want to sleep with you and your cis-hetero boyfriend. There are plenty of dedicated sites and apps out there to help you find someone, but a kind and respectful approach is key. Another way is taking it back to the olden days, a real life meet-cute. Picture this, you’re out on the town, letting loose in a bumpin’ club or a swanky wine bar and you see someone that catches your eye. Don’t go in guns blazing, start up a conversation, see if there’s a genuine vibe, and once again approach the conversation with kindness and respect. Lastly, there is always the option of bringing in a professional. In that way, there is no rejection, no discomfort and you’re literally in the hands of an expert.

The best kind of group project

Now, let’s jump ahead to once you’ve found someone, organized a date, and are waiting for your third to arrive. You might be a little nervous, even if you’re confident this is something you want. You’re still anxiously excited to see what the dynamic is going to be like, how things are going to mesh together, both literally and metaphorically. But the important thing to remember is that this is supposed to be a good time. Don’t get too wrapped up in the specifics of who does what and who goes where. Allow yourself the freedom to feel the moment, go with the flow, and do what feels right. You will find the same thing that happens when you’re connecting with one partner in the moment, sooner or later things just click and it all feels natural. So take things slow, embrace the connectedness, remove the panic, and never forget to have fun.

Something more permanent

If you’re in the mindset of exploring threesomes, you may find yourself toying with the idea of creating more of a permanent situation. Whether it’s testing the waters of an open relationship, some ethical non-monogamy, or bringing a third into your relationship full time. All of these thoughts are normal and natural. You’re not strange for having them. The only important thing to do in this situation is communication. Your committed partner deserves openness from you, and although it might seem like a scary situation, you don’t know the answer if you don’t ask the question. If you find yourself having these thoughts, consider them deeply, and then take them to your partner so they get the opportunity to weigh in. You may have had a fun night engaging in a threesome, but that might be as far as your partner is willing to go. And that’s okay too!

Open, honest and respectful communication is the only way to navigate these situations.