Do you feel like all you hear about dating is horror stories? Negative experiences, stuff that’s gone wrong, people who completely misrepresented themselves… Enough to put you off dating completely (or, at least, bring out your cynical side when it comes to finding someone you mesh with).
Being positive about dating can feel like an active choice rather than a default setting. When disappointment is common and cautionary tales are everywhere, optimism can seem risky, and maybe even naïve. Yet many people are still having dating experiences that feel healthy, affirming, and worthwhile! It’s not about believing the saying “I’m unlucky in love”, but about redefining what dating success actually looks like for you.
Like all bad news, dating horror stories travel fast. They are memorable, emotional, and validating, especially if you have had your own rough experiences. Sitting and comparing notes with other single friends can give you all a sense of solidarity, but unfortunately, they can also distort expectations and push you toward negative thinking.
The problem is not that people share bad experiences. When you’re waiting for the “and then things went wrong” punchline in a friend’s story, it starts to feel both predictable and predictive – like an inevitable outcome rather than a specific moment in someone else’s dating life.
One of the most useful skills in dating – and in life – is learning how to hear horror stories without letting them shape your own expectations. Someone else’s experience can be real and painful without needing to become your roadmap or cautionary tale. A helpful reframe is to treat these stories as information, not prophecy. They can highlight behaviours to avoid or boundaries to hold, without implying that every dating interaction you have will end the same way.
It is also worth noticing how often horror stories flatten nuance. They tend to focus on shock value rather than context, growth, or resolution. Listening critically, rather than emotionally absorbing every detail, helps keep perspective intact.
Redefining dating success makes it easier to stay open, even when negativity is loud and in-your-face. Success doesn’t have to mean permanence. Instead, success might be recognising incompatibility early and leaving calmly, enjoying connection without self-abandonment, or even realising that your standards are working because you are no longer tolerating behaviour that drains you. Simply holding a boundary (especially if you’ve struggled with this in the past) is success!
These outcomes rarely make good stories at get-togethers with friends or on social media, but they are signs of emotional competence and self-trust, and those qualities are important.
People who have positive dating experiences, or who seem to be “lucky in love”, often share a few common approaches. They are intentional about what they want, realistic about what dating can offer, and clear in their communication. They engage without over-investing too early, and they pay attention to how they feel rather than how things look on paper. They also put themselves first – not selfishly, but self-caringly.
Choosing hope might sound cliched and like something that only works in the movies – even the words “choosing hope” sound like a cheesy romance novel title – but it’s not about ignoring red flags or being relentlessly positive. You can choose to not let the loudest, most soul-destroying tales of dating woe define what’s possible in your dating life. Redefine what “success” looks like for you, and surround yourself with people who are also curious about having a different kind of dating life. Support each other to recognise the good and the growth. Sometimes success is not a great story to tell, but a steady sense that you are treating yourself better than you used to.
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