You may have heard the phrase "Don't sh*t in your own backyard"... We wouldn't ordinarily start a blog post with such a crude aphorism, but it gets the point across, yes? It's pithy and true. You keep your home a sacred, drama-free sanctuary and you don't invite trouble into your safe space. But what if trouble is already a-brewin' in the form of attraction that's been creeping up between you and your roommate, culminating in one of you spending the night in the other person's bed not sleeping?
When you live with someone, you get to know them on a deeper level than when you see them at class, work with them, or catch them out and about from time to time. You see a hidden, intimate side of their life. You know what they smell like clean from the shower. You've seen their underwear in the laundry pile they're folding. Your shared fridge is full of the kind of food they eat and the alcohol they drink. You may even have heard them in the throes of passion with a date one night. It's more than a glimpse into someone else's life. It's a shared life in many ways.
And as you get to know this other person, you might be feeling something. They might be feeling it, too. You're sharing meals and swapping stories about bad hookups. You're watching TV together after work. You're having a beer together on the weekend. You're inviting one another along to hangouts with your respective friend groups. You're each other's emergency contact. You're more than just friends... But what? What if you want to take the next step?
Go on and do it already
You live together, you've got easy access to one another, and you already have stuff in common. Go on and jump in bed. What's the worst that could happen? Okay, we'll get to that, but first let's look on the bright side and try to see the potential pros of the situation.
- You're already living together so you're comfortable with each other. You've probably seen each other at your best and your not-best-at-all. And you're still attracted to each other despite that! You've got the awkward "getting to know you" stuff out of the way already, which is a big bonus. It's possible that becoming more than roomies might just be a natural next step.
- It's super convenient - you already know each other's schedules and where you might be able to fit some intimate time in together. And when things are wrapped up for the night, you can either snuggle down together or retreat to your separate beds, with nobody needing to make an awkward walk of shame anywhere.
- You don't have to worry about waking up your roommate with your midnight exploits because they're involved in said exploits already. (Other roommates, though... That's a thing. We'll talk about it.)
- It might strengthen your relationship and your bond. Giving each other support and comfort as friends is a natural outcome of compatibility - and if you're acting on attraction, you've both got someone to lean on when times are difficult, a cheerleader in your corner when times are good, and someone to engage in stress-relieving activities whenever needed.
- It's possible you'll save money. You might want to move in to one room together and ramp things up a bit, then rent out one of the other rooms to a new roomie. Win-win!
- It might develop into the relationship of your dreams. There are worse foundations to start from than roommates who are into each other.
But what if it all goes horribly wrong?
There's no denying that sleeping with your roommate can also be a bad, bad idea. What if you're both into it but then the next day you have regrets? What if it makes things weird between you? What if one person wants more and the other person only wants something super-casual? Here are some things to consider.
- Sharing a bed blurs boundaries and might lead to misunderstandings or conflict. Differences in sleep habits - he snores, you need to pee three times a night, one of you wants the curtains open while the other person wants it pitch black - can put a strain on the excitement of the hookup.
- Um, what if the experience isn't very good, and you don't want to repeat it? How do you face the other person if they had an amazing time and you were stifling a yawn most of the night? Can you bring yourself to tell them it was a one-off and you think you're better staying roommates?
- Your privacy goes out the window. When you're sleeping with someone, they might expect access to you that they wouldn't ordinarily have, like coming into the bathroom while you're in the shower - or even jumping into the shower with you when you really just wanted to be able to get ready for work in peace. Boundaries are incredibly important but can be hard to claw back once you've already breached them. (That's not an excuse for bad behaviour - you are allowed to set whatever boundaries you need and to say no whenever you want to.)
- You might have different relationship expectations, when one person wants to jump into bed all waking hours while the other person is happy to keep the sleeping arrangements weekends-only.
- Your friendship will never be the same. It just won't. Introducing a sexual or romantic element into a roommate relationship can complicate things, and relying emotionally on your roommate for intimacy and support can create a level of dependency that can stunt your ability to maintain those healthy boundaries. There might be jealousy if someone brings home a date, or unexpectedly developing deeper feelings than either or both of you intended.
- If you have other roommates, for one set of roommates to be sleeping together can create a weird dynamic. Are you sneaking around trying to keep it a secret? What happens when your roommates find out - and they WILL find out? Living with a couple is very different than living with other singletons. And what if your friends-with-benefits situation doesn't work out? Your other roommate or roommates might feel unfairly caught in the middle, and you might have to quickly find a new place to live.
There's no telling what could happen
Look, we can't predict the future. How things work out is pretty much a coin toss. It could be amazing, it could be awful. You won't know until you do it. And that's up to you - do you want to take the risk that it might not work out? Is it worth that risk?
Whatever you decide, communication is the most important thing. Be honest with your roomie. Talk about the possibilities before you leap into bed together. Be sober and in your right mind - this is not a conversation or act for when you can't consent - and playfully, but truthfully, explore the possibilities before you make a move.
Be safe - use protection, make sure you're both tested clean, and talk about consent - and have fun. You might decide this is the greatest perk to having a roommate ever.
