It’s Women’s History Month, so let’s talk about something that still makes people uncomfortable: Women who actually enjoy sex.
Not women who are “sexy.” That’s always been marketable. I mean women who are clear about what they want. Women who initiate. Women who say “harder,” “slower,” “don’t stop,” or “actually, that’s not doing it for me.”
Because despite all the “empowerment” messaging, a lot of women are still navigating sex with one part of their brain scanning for judgment…
Like seriously, where the hell do we draw the line? And who gets to decide that? Most women land somewhere in the middle: agreeable, adaptable, and quietly disconnected from their own desire. That’s what I mean by “good girl sex.”
It’s sex where you’re aware of how you look the entire time. It’s mentally checking if your stomach looks flat instead of noticing if something feels good. It’s faking an orgasm because it feels easier than having a conversation. It’s staying quiet about what you want because you don’t want to seem “extra.” It’s prioritizing being desirable over actually experiencing desire.
And here’s the part that’s uncomfortable: A lot of women are very good at this… Because we’ve had practice. From a young age, women are taught how to be appealing, how to hold attention, how to not be “too much.” How to manage other people’s comfort.
Very few of us were taught how to identify our own turn-ons without filtering them through how they’ll be received. So when someone asks, “What do you like?” a surprising number of women genuinely don’t know. Not because they’re broken, but because they were never encouraged to look.
It’s not always overt anymore. It’s not just religious messaging or abstinence culture. Now it’s more nuanced.
You’re “empowered,” but don’t be messy about it. Be confident, but not aggressive; sexually open, but still respectable; have boundaries, but don’t make anyone uncomfortable.
That tightrope shows up in dating constantly. Women hesitate to initiate because they don’t want to look desperate. Instead, we downplay our experience so we don’t intimidate someone. We avoid asking for specific things in bed because we don’t want to bruise an ego. That’s not a lack of desire. That’s social conditioning.
A lot of women think reclaiming pleasure means they have to suddenly become bold, kinky, loud, experimental. But that’s not the point, the point is honesty.
Maybe you like slower sex than you’ve been having. Maybe you need more buildup. Maybe you actually prefer direct communication. Maybe you’re more dominant than you’ve allowed yourself to be. Maybe you’re less adventurous than you pretend to be.
Exploration just means getting accurate, and accuracy requires paying attention to your body instead of your performance.
If you don’t know what genuinely feels good to you, you end up outsourcing your standards. You tolerate mediocre sex because “it’s fine.” You prioritize chemistry over compatibility. You mistake anxiety for excitement. You stay in dynamics that look good on paper but feel off in your body.
Reclaiming pleasure sharpens your discernment: when you’re connected to your desire, you notice faster when something isn’t aligned. And most importantly, you stop choosing people just because they choose you.
Honestly, you can start small. Notice when you’re performing instead of feeling. Pause during sex if something isn’t working. Answer “What do I want right now?” before answering “What will keep this going smoothly?” Spend time touching your own body without trying to get anywhere.
You don’t have to announce a new era of sexual liberation, you just have to start being more honest with yourself. That’s it!
Women’s empowerment doesn’t have to mean louder. Sometimes it means more specific: about your boundaries, your pleasure and what you will and won’t tolerate. And in a culture that still polices women’s sexuality, choosing to know yourself sexually (and act accordingly) is way more radical than it sounds.
Read more
Pop culture
What porn has taught Gen Z about sex (and what it got wrong)
Before you ever had sex, porn probably had opinions about how you should do it. Here's what that's actually done to us.
