Why you should still be self-serving even if you’re in a relationship

A surprising number of people start treating masturbation like it’s inappropriate once they’re in a relationship. Like if you truly love your partner, you shouldn’t still want solo pleasure.

That idea sounds romantic in theory, but in reality, it puts a lot of pressure on relationships. Your partner cannot realistically be responsible for your entire erotic world. And honestly, they shouldn’t have to be!

A lot of people stop masturbating once they’re partnered because they think it means something is missing in the relationship. Others keep doing it but feel weirdly guilty about it, like they’re hiding something. But masturbation and partnered sex are not the same experience.

Sometimes self-pleasure is about stress relief. Sometimes it’s about sleep, curiosity, fantasy, tension release, or just wanting pleasure on your own terms without needing to coordinate another person’s mood, schedule, or energy. That doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It means you’re still a person.

In fact, staying connected to your own sexuality outside of your partner can actually be healthy for a relationship. People who maintain that connection often communicate better sexually because they know what feels good to them. They’re more likely to notice changes in their desire, preferences, or turn-ons instead of expecting their partner to magically figure it out.

It can also take pressure off the relationship itself. Because let’s be honest: Sometimes one person wants sex and the other person wants to lay in bed and scroll TikTok in silence. That’s normal.

Masturbation can also help people maintain a sense of autonomy in long-term relationships. Being partnered doesn’t mean you stop being an individual with your own body, fantasies, or private experiences.

Now, if someone is using masturbation to completely avoid intimacy or disconnect from their relationship entirely, that’s a different conversation. But masturbation itself is not the problem.

A lot of the shame around this comes from outdated ideas about commitment, like being in love means every sexual thought or experience should only exist within the relationship. That’s just not realistic for most people.

You can deeply love your partner and still enjoy solo pleasure. Both things can exist at the same time. So no, being in a relationship does not mean you have to stop being self-serving. You’re still allowed to belong to yourself, too.

Danielle Simpson-Baker is a Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) in Florida and a Board Certified Sexologist with the American Board of Sexology (ABS). Danielle holds an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy and is currently working toward a certificate in Sex Therapy. She also creates sex-positive content on social media (IG: @thesexpottherapist, TikTok: @thesxptthrpst) that has amassed more than 50,000 followers combined since 2018; with that following, Danielle created Intimaura, an online sexual wellness hub for journals, resources, and more!

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