How to: Talk to yourself nicely

You know that thing you do after a date goes weird? Or after you send a text and immediately want to throw your phone into the ocean? That spiral of “Ugh, why did I do that? I always do that” or “I made it weird. They’re gonna think I’m weird.”

Most of us are terribly judgmental of ourselves when it comes to dating. And it makes sense, because dating is exposing. You’re putting real feelings on the line with people who are essentially strangers, and when it doesn't go well, your brain wants an explanation. The easiest one is usually something unflattering about you. “I’m the problem, it’s me” is an all-too-familiar refrain.

The thing is, your inner voice isn't neutral. It is biased, and that bias is not in your favor. Left unchecked, it doesn't just narrate what happened, it starts drawing conclusions like “I’m too intense.” “I pick the wrong people.” “I’m so socially awkward.” “Why would anyone want me? I’m a mess.” “This always happens to me.” And once those feel like facts, you start carrying them into the next situation before it's even had a chance.

It’s worth trying to interrupt that pattern. Not by forcing yourself to think positively, though! That rarely works and kind of feels like lying to yourself (there’s a reason they call it “toxic positivity”). Instead, try being more aware of the language you’re using. There’s a difference between “That was an awkward moment” and “I’m am awkward person.” Something happening isn’t a value judgment about your personality or character, it’s just… Something that happened.

It’s hard to be neutral about those “something happened” moments when they’re negative or uncomfortable, because, again, your brain wants an explanation and the common demoninator is you. But life is full of uncomfortable moments, for everyone, all the time. Have you ever had a day go entirely perfectly, with not a single off note about it? Unlikely.

Consider what you’d say to a friend in the same situation. It’s doubtful you’d agree that yes, they are a completely useless human who can’t do anything right. No way would you say. “Yes, you are a lot, so no wonder it didn’t work out!” More likely you’d say something like, “Okay, that sucked, but also you were nervous, and that’s normal – it was a first date!” You can (and should) extend yourself that same basic decency.

So try to catch yourself in those moments when you’re berating yourself, and think: “Is this true? Is this kind? Would I say this to my best friend?” And think about what you might be able to say to yourself instead. If it helps, say it out loud, or write it on a sticky note and pop it on your bathroom mirror. It’s hard to change a lifetime of negative self-talk, so it’s okay to remind yourself that you are worthy of love, peace, joy, and good dates, and that even when things are hard or you have awkward moments, you’re still worthy of all of those things.

Just acknowledging that putting yourself out there, having the guts to date, is underrated. Showing up, saying what you actually want, being open – those are not small things. Sure, not every date is going to lead somewhere, but it all counts. You’re allowed to recognise that without waiting for a good outcome to justify it. The voice in your head isn’t going to shut up any time soon, but you don’t have to believe everything it says. Try reframing some of that negative self-talk and give yourself the credit you deserve.